i gave up

i admit that some time ago
trying to save the world
was something i gave up
it was my only goal
for quite some time

i grew up believing it
laid in my bed at night
a seven year old boy
swearing off the evils of the world
in effort to free it from the people
who didn't understand
like i did

sometimes i think
it was fear that drove me
to think i was going to die
before eighteen
so that i didn't have to live
in a world that was slouching on
to self destruction

at sixteen i felt guilt
for every unkind word i said
and it might be at this point
when self confidence and worth
identity and all that messy psychology
started to make it's way
into my activism
my so called integrity

this journey peaked
when i hung quotes
by mlk and dorothy day
on the outside of my dorm room
when i dropped out
to touch the world outside of books
and essentially save it

started to give up
when a friend died at 22
i saw him stand on his head
and laugh that day
later i touched his cold hand
to feel death as real
started to give up
when i realized all the rivers
that i'd paddled ran down hill
and the world was something
different than i imagined

i gave up more
when i made bad mistakes
believing that because
i never meant to hurt anyone
it would never happen
i ate myself alive with integrity
and i poked many people with pain
i was trying to save the world
while loosing myself

i have hung up my cape these days
and left the saving game
with my big brain i think it's not important
the world's for existing not saving
whether i'm here or not