the grand wink

it was hard to see through the snow falling
but i'm sure that i saw it as i stared hard into space
to the grey horizon, to the melt and freeze again winter

has it been following me these last few days?
when i walk the dog on sidewalks gritty with salt and sand
at the gym humping my way up invisible hills
checking the paper's new stories: jobs lost; failure; fright

it must have been there all those years ago
when the high school math teacher inspected our hands
walking down the rows of desks peering
to see there was no secret scribbling on them
before the exam was passed out; i felt cheated

maybe it was there that day just above the douglas fir
the ponderosas, the earnest conversation about commitment to team
we gave hours to digging small holes and planting small trees
i can see fields fifty-five years in the future, now forest
streams in the shade, the lies having run down them to the ocean, long ago

i sit now having carried my silver case for days
holding cross examinations, chewing my lip
i will leave it here, pick it up later if need be
doing nothing is still a choice
i look to the sky again and hold my arms out wide
wink and walk away